I think the trouble is the twin inside me – me being a Gemini and all that. While both sides are pretty whacko in terms of direction, one always goes for the artistic, creative outlets for my restless nature, and the other goes for options that tame the restlessness by way of routine or predictable conformity.
I don’t like being caged by conformity in any form. And yet I’m in the most routine of jobs – sales. Why? Obviously, there’s something in it for me, and it isn’t the money – it’s just not enough to cage myself. So what is it?
I think it is the challenge of being still for long enough. Maybe I want to find out my limits of enduring routine.
So.
Here I am.
In Atlanta. Alone, and ill. Perfect time to let my mind wander about.
And my wandering mind has put me to work on the outline for my pre-registration presentation for my PhD. Yep, I recently decided to register for my PhD and yep, I’ve to make a presentation to my guide (and subsequently to two other academics about my thesis) and if they like my presentation, they’ll let me register.
I don’t know what I’m doing with my life presently. I’m a writer, seriously. I spent the first 24 years of my life doing everything but writing all the while whining that I wanted to be a writer.
Then at 25 I became a journalist and did pretty well till about 32. Then I became an instructional designer (it did have a good bit of writing) for about four years.
And then, as of the past 16 months, I’m in business development. Business development! I like biz dev and I’m decent at it, but it’s not writing is it? My entire identity is hinged upon writing. So where does that leave me now?
Calculus, my childhood friend, knows that biz dev is not really my number one choice, but I always give him a good explanation.
I’m wondering why I want to do that PhD. That’s one good thing about doing that presentation – it makes you question every thing.
Let’s see whether I finish the presentation. That’ll be a good first miletsone on the long road ahead.
Yesterday was Friday and I was neck deep in work, with loads to complete by Monday morning.
Today, I’m laid up in bed with chicken pox and I’m wondering why the work had been looming so large on my consciousness.
My travel plans and related meetings are cancelled or in the process of being rescheduled. Where things cannot be rescheduled, others will step in.
Life will go on.
Meanwhile, I have some time on my hands – approximately two weeks – to get along with my illness and take stock.
I feel terrible that I’m away from my family right now – I’m in Atlanta, Georgia in the US. My family is in Pune, Maharashtra in India. I miss my wife, and her strength, and her home cooking. And I miss our toddling son and his smile and conversations. Yep, I miss them for selfish reasons.
It’s a good thing I’m away from home right now. They would have picked this up from me and trust me, this is not something I’d want someone else to experience, least of all my family.
I’ve been to Walmart and stocked myself with basic ingredients. I’m in isolation and therefore no threat to others. It’s difficult getting by alone when you’re in extreme pain on every movement, but it’s an education.
Loved your comment – it takes courage to look into yourself and let your thoughts be known in public. 
Here’s another question that I was reminded of lately: how do you evaluate the character of a person? Or the ethics of an organization for that matter?
In college, it used to be a matter of fashion to proclaim ‘I’m a person of ethics’ or ‘I always stand by what’s right’ or something else. I guess it’s a matterof tryuing to belong, trying to find an identity, figuring out who I really am. But I won’t really know whether I’m ethical or courageous till I’m tested right?
And when the test comes along, the label we had donned is usually far from our mind because there are several - more immediate – considerations at hand.
